Over the weekend, after a long and difficult study session, I begrudgingly laced up my running shoes and went for my standard during-the-bar 3.5 mile loop. I didn’t want to do it. I was tired from the day. But I did it anyway. And you know what? I had the best time ever. This is so dorky, but I’m still thinking about how much fun I had on that run. It was just such a good reminder to me that
- a) running is the best (duh), and
- b) that there is still stuff out there that brings me joy (okay, this one is a little depressing but the bar exam is only a week away. I’m allowed to be depressing.. lol).
After my run, I was having such a good time listening to my music and dancing around that I decided to take a couple of Photobooth photos. I used to love having silly photo sessions and I haven’t done one in a long time, honestly probably since 1L. So I fired it up and had a blast. This is the dorky result.
My favorite part about these photos is that I think that I look really happy. Truly happy. How cool is it that I found running and that it makes me feel this happy, even during a really challenging time? It’s so cool- that’s the answer. So cool. Thanks, running, for making this summer as enjoyable as possible.
The Final Week
I’m struggling. I’m constantly exhausted and eternally self- doubting. I keep reading things, but I don’t think anything is sticking. I spent all afternoon yesterday studying California Civil Procedure. Can I remember anything about it this morning? There’s something about a demurrer, right? Ugh. Such a frustrating process. My brain is angry.
Additionally, to make matters worse, I twisted and possibly sprained my ankle on my run last night. I’m just trying to stay healthy during this awful bar-studying-hell-process-thing, and then WHAM! I usually run the same route over and over again, and these days, my life is so routine and rote that I wanted to mix it up: so I ran in a different place. There’s a big street in West LA that has a big, grass-filled median that a lot of runners run in. It’s nice because you don’t have to worry too much about getting hit by a car, plus it makes you feel in-touch with nature, even though you’re just running in a median (that probably tells the sad story of how much nature is really in L.A.: RIP fields of green). So, I ran in the median, and it’s dirt and grass-filled and it’s difficult to see the dips in the ground. I was trying to be careful, but in a particularly grassy area, I stepped in a little dip and sort of “stubbed” my foot. I felt the pain instantly radiate to my ankle, and it hurt, but then it stopped hurting and I finished my 3.6 mile run. I thought everything was fine until I tried to walk after sitting on the couch for a while and my ankle hurt a lot! I iced it. Then I cried, because I’m a champion. I’ve been having so many problems with my body failing me this summer, and I just had a difficult time dealing with it last night. This morning, it feels mostly fine. I little sore and a little stiff, but the pain is gone. It’s fine. I was overreacting, but damn, I am really looking forward the bar being over so I can stop crying over silly stuff all the time.
At this point in my studying, I’ve begun fantasizing about fairly regular (to people who aren’t studying for the bar…) things. My number 1 thing right is getting a haircut. I cannot stop thinking about how I’m going to get a haircut literally the day after the exam is over. Number 2? I’m SO EXCITED to go to my parents’ house and spend a few quality days with them AND THE DOGGIES!!! These fuzzy faces are all that’s getting me through right now. Doggies at the end of the tunnel.. keep going.. you have to see the doggies!!
14 days until the bar exam. Thanks, Barbri, for making sure I don’t forget! Gosh, I’m almost going to miss having this view on the regular… almost…
Now the big question is, can I really figure how to get all those pesky little minuscule rules and exceptions to the exception that I didn’t learn in law school into my head. I think most of the stuff that learned in law school has found a place in the brain (for the most part-ish), but some of the other stuff- I’m looking at you, community properly, is having trouble sticking. I hope it gets in there! I don’t really know how to fix it!
4th of July 5k Recap!
I realize that my blog has been a steady stream of depression-central lately, and honestly, I can’t make any promises that will stop until the bar exam.. BUT TODAY I interrupt the regularly-scheduled programming to post something happy and positive!
This morning, I ran the Pacific Palisades Will Rogers 4th of July 5k! And I had a blast! I haven’t run a race since the marathon in March, and I haven’t run a 5k since before law school.
I’ve been thinking a lot about 5ks over the past few months. First, it was because of marathon-training burnout. The grueling months of constant double-digit runs grew tiresome last training cycle, and I have been re-assessing how I want my run life to be. And second, more recently, I read Lauren Fleshman’s article in Runner’s World about how awesome the 5k is, and she validated some of my feelings about the marathon. Whatever the reason, I was really excited to get up and run a 4th of July-themed 5k this morning.
I dressed as patriotically as a could, but I didn’t really have anything red, except my red sports bra, which you can’t even see, but 2/3 colors is pretty good, I think.
The starting line was a little chaotic. I forgot that local 5ks tend to have a bunch of children and inexperienced runners, and it kind of threw me for a second, but then I remembered that I was just there to have fun and I should chill out, and then, amazing, my poor little stressed out body just let it all go and I had a wonderful time just hanging out in the corral with the rest of the community.
T was running the race too, but I told him that I wanted to run my own race, and so as soon as the gun went off, I took off. I wasn’t really sure what to expect- My training has been a little dicey since studying for the bar, and I wanted to be careful not to over-extend myself since I’m on the prednisone right now- but I decided to just start at a comfortable pace and see where it left me (such a great strategic mind— oh, just see what happens— lolll).
Weirdly enough, my non-plan-plan worked out pretty well. My first mile came in just under 8 min/mi, which is pretty fast for me. Lately, I’ve been able to get a certain, approx. 1/4 mile stretch of my runs (a straight downhill segment) down to about 7:50 min/mi, but that’s it. I was really excited to see the pace when I flashed on the screen of my Garmin.
In mile 2 there was a big hill and the sun started coming out. Miss endurance, here, struggled a bit. But, to be fair, my stomach has been feeling weird from the drugs and it was acting up a bit at that part… excuses, excuses…
And then in mile 3, I got my mental game on. I told myself that there was only a mile left, just get it done. So I did! Look at that: 7:48 for the 3rd mile. Killer.
Of course, being a never-satisfied perfectionist, I was a little bummed to see that my average time ended up being over 8 min/mile, but according to Garmin, that’s the fastest average time that I’ve had since, let’s just say.. a really long time. Plus, my pre-law school 5k PR, when I was spending a lot more time thinking about running, is only about 30 seconds faster that today’s race. All in all, I’m really proud of myself, and I’m feeling really good about my performance today. I’m hoping to find another great 5k to run after the bar, because I could get into this.
(Here’s the post-run photo! Happy 4th!)
The coolest, or maybe the saddest, part of the race is the official race results. I came in 6th place out of 99 in my division (F 19-29). At first, I was totally jazzed, because that’s better than I expected. But then, I checked out the other times in my division, and the 3 women directly above my all had times within 40 seconds of mine. If I had run just 45 seconds faster, which I actually could have done, I wasn’t giving it my all because I assumed I had no chance of placing, I would have been in 3rd place! Bummer! But it’s okay, now I have great motivation for next time!
Hope everyone has a happy and safe 4th of July!
Guys, I’m not in a good place. I’ve spent the better part of the past three weeks scratching, itching, and generally being uncomfortable. Finally, I decided that my homemade method of Benadryl and Cortisone wasn’t working and I sucked it up and went to the doctor. Result? I’m having a serious allergic reaction to something TBD that was probably set up by the stress of studying for the bar. Fantastic! He said that there is a treatment. Wonderful! It’s steroids. So, I’m on my second day of Prednisone. 60mg per day. It it literally the worst.
Here’s my sad face. This is before face broke out in wonderful red hives, but the emotion is the same.
These are all the things that I’ve experienced over the past 24 hours:
- Felt like I’m on speed, not that I know what that feels like, but you get the picture. Seriously, my heart is beating fast, I can’t concentrate and I can’t keep my legs still.
- My mouth is dry. My eyes are dry. I feel dehydrated. I’m like a dried out Sponge Bob Square Pants.
- I can’t sleep. That was a fun discovery. Imagine drinking 3 cups of coffee and then trying to go to bed. That’s what last night felt like. I just tossed, and turned, and stared at the ceiling all night long. I ended up getting like 3 hours of shallow sleep. Fingers crossed that tonight is better. I took the pills earlier in the day, so maybe…
- I can’t decide I’m starving or not hungry at all. So that’s confusing.
I’m trying to be positive, but I’m really starting to run out of positive things to think about. Here are some patriotic flowers that I saw at Whole Foods yesterday. That’s positive!
I’m signed up to run a 4th of July 5k tomorrow. I was really looking forward to it so I’m still going to do it, but I’m going to jog it, instead of race it like I’d planned, because my body is feeling so weird. Plus, I feel like that would make me a doper? Unclear. And uncool. That’s not my jam!
Please send positive vibes my way, please! I think I need all the help I can get… But I promise I’m going to try to be strong.. I think I can, I think I can…
And because I don’t want to end on a depressing note, here’s a lovely photo of the Santa Monica evening sun last week. This is one of my favorite spots in the whole city.
Thoughts on Living Alone & Then Moving In
This weekend, something exciting happened: I moved in with T. This is strange to me for so many reasons. To start with: 1) I’m a grown-up?, 2) This feels normal. Weird?
T and I had been talking about moving in together for several months now. We were originally planning on doing in the fall, after the bar, but my lease was up on June 28 and it was going to be ridiculously expensive to do month-to-month for a few months so we expedited the plan.
The move itself was easy. My mom came up last weekend and helped me box everything up in just a couple of hours. #Momefficiencyftw.
Then, I graciously helped the movers by taking a selfie?
And then one more, because I was getting a little nostalgic:
And before I knew it, the move was over. Now, if I could just get the boxes unpacked…
I’m really excited about what this next holds for my relationship with T. It’s a little scary, but I think we’re ready for it. Although it truly is mindboggling to me that I’m a grown-up who is co-habbing with her boyfriend. Bizarre.
This weekend got me thinking about my experience living alone this past year. I kind of knew when I signed my last lease that T and I might be living together after a year, and so it was important to me that I have the opportunity to live on my own. I had always lived with roommates, except for 2 years in college when I had a single dorm but that doesn’t count, and I wanted that experience.
Living alone was scary, in its own way, but it was a wonderful growing experience for me. I bought my first, non-Ikea couch! And I got to set up my “living room” (it was a studio apt) just the way that I wanted.
Sometimes I would just sit in my apartment and think about cool it was that I had a whole space to myself! All of this was mine! I got to decide where everything went!
A lovely friend of mine sent me sparkling wine as a housewarming gift, and I drank it out of blue glasses because it was my house and I could do what I want!
Other things that I loved about living alone:
- Spending my evenings trying out new recipes and using the kitchen all night long. A roommate probably wouldn’t have loved that…
- Gilmore Girls marathons
- Feeling independent
- Feeling like the space was all-mine (my precious?)
But there were a lot of things that I didn’t love and that I won’t miss at all:
- Feeling lonely
- Having to coordinate schedules between my apt and T’s apt based on traffic/food status/etc… Towards the end we were pretty much already living together and it got too difficult to keep food in my fridge, which made it even harder to spend time there
- Dealing with my horrible landlord. Oh, the stories I could share…
- Dark, dark, dark. My apt. faced a small courtyard and received little natural light. I love sunlight and that was hard to deal with.
All in all, I’m grateful that I had the opportunity to live alone because I don’t feel like I missed out on anything, and I’m really excited for this next step! Onwards and upwards!
Cheers! (from the other side of town!)