I, too, remember the feeling. You are caught between all that was and all that must be. You feel lost.
Strangely fitting for the day before the bar exam.
I’m struggling. I’m constantly exhausted and eternally self- doubting. I keep reading things, but I don’t think anything is sticking. I spent all afternoon yesterday studying California Civil Procedure. Can I remember anything about it this morning? There’s something about a demurrer, right? Ugh. Such a frustrating process. My brain is angry.
Additionally, to make matters worse, I twisted and possibly sprained my ankle on my run last night. I’m just trying to stay healthy during this awful bar-studying-hell-process-thing, and then WHAM! I usually run the same route over and over again, and these days, my life is so routine and rote that I wanted to mix it up: so I ran in a different place. There’s a big street in West LA that has a big, grass-filled median that a lot of runners run in. It’s nice because you don’t have to worry too much about getting hit by a car, plus it makes you feel in-touch with nature, even though you’re just running in a median (that probably tells the sad story of how much nature is really in L.A.: RIP fields of green). So, I ran in the median, and it’s dirt and grass-filled and it’s difficult to see the dips in the ground. I was trying to be careful, but in a particularly grassy area, I stepped in a little dip and sort of “stubbed” my foot. I felt the pain instantly radiate to my ankle, and it hurt, but then it stopped hurting and I finished my 3.6 mile run. I thought everything was fine until I tried to walk after sitting on the couch for a while and my ankle hurt a lot! I iced it. Then I cried, because I’m a champion. I’ve been having so many problems with my body failing me this summer, and I just had a difficult time dealing with it last night. This morning, it feels mostly fine. I little sore and a little stiff, but the pain is gone. It’s fine. I was overreacting, but damn, I am really looking forward the bar being over so I can stop crying over silly stuff all the time.