Facebook suggested this article to me— hmm I wonder what I’ve been googling lately? Lol

BUT I read it and actually appreciated what it had to say. I have been learning a lot lately about what was wrong with my relationship: lack of communication by T (which I was unaware of until I was being broken up with), no arguments (related to communication), losing identities (At the very beginning he told me that he struggled with being co-dependent and I ignored the red flag and all the effects), taboo conversation topics, and the other person doesn’t push you to be your best self (even though T supported my studying, I got the feeling they he thought he would be the better lawyer. Plus he kept telling me that his mom could get me a job as a kindergarten teacher at his former school).

Man, when you look at this list it is red flag city. This process is helping me to move on because I’m learning that this isn’t a relationship I wanted to be in. Plus, now I know more for next time. It’s still hurts, but I feel like I’m getting somewhere.

Also, in other news: applying to jobs in cities where I have no friends is so scary. I feel like I’m striking this balance between: type of job, type of organization, location, and prestige of job. I may be about to find out how brave I really am… Here we go *plunge*

Feeling Stagnant, Ready to Move On

I’m past the acute grieving stage and now I’m ready to get on with it. The problem is that I’m stuck in this awful job quest. It’s frustrating because of things that I are out of my control. 

I got that volunteer position with the Public Defender, but they have to run background checks with the FBI and do a TB test and they said that I still can’t start for another week and a half, at minimum. 

I’m also applying to paid positions non-stop. I’m casting a broad net. Traditional legal jobs, policy jobs in D.C., consulting jobs, federal jobs, fellowships. You name, I’m on it. It’s literally a full time job just applying to everything, so perhaps it’s good that the volunteer gig isn’t starting yet. Lately, I’ve been exploring the possibility of working in D.C. and getting excited about it. My brother lives there and it’s close to my college friends. 

In the meantime, I’ve been visiting friends, and staying active.

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I went to yoga with my mom on Sunday. This little yoga mat had probably been feeling pretty neglected and I’ve been sore for 3 days. 

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I went for a 4-mile run yesterday, which is the longest that I’ve run since the breakup.

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And I took the dirt bikes into the shop to be tuned up because mom and I are going on a ride this weekend on this 20-mile dirt path. I’m excited, but nervous because I haven’t spent much time on a bike lately, and especially not a bike like this. 

I’m feeling a little neglected because I think I lost a few mutual friends in the breakup, which is so dumb because I didn’t do anything wrong. It’s frustrating that I get screwed over by T and lose friends (he posted some dumb photo of his mom’s dog and all the mutual friends liked and made comments about bringing the dog to their apparent dinner date), but I’m just trying to stay busy, stay positive, and keep moving. I don’t really know what else I can do. Plus, we can all just agree that he and they are the worst, right? ;)  

I just watched the last 3 episodes of Gilmore Girls. I’ve seen them before, and it’s so dorky to even write this, but they made me feel better. 

(*spoiler alert!* but you’ve had 7 years to watch these episodes so I don’t feel that bad :) * )

Rory and Logan broke up. And she was sad. But then she moved on. And she made a decision to go off on a big adventure by herself after a 3 year relationship with him. I was applying to a job across the country as I was watching this and it just felt so close to home. Maybe this breakup is the best thing that could have happened. I can apply to jobs all over the country, or the world. I can go anywhere. At first that was so scary, and I think that’s part of why I was crying so much: because my life was looking so planned, and I knew exactly what it was going to look like, and I even knew what school my future hypothetical children were going to go to.

I’m 27, which is some ways is old and in other ways in practically infant. I need to remember that I have so much time left to go on adventures and explore. Maybe I’ll do it. I’ll go do something exciting, just because I can, just because that’s the kind of person I am. I’m the girl who moved 3,000 miles away to go to college, and then moved 3,000 in the other direction for law school. Why I am getting so scared? Just because T isn’t there to hold my hand? 

And I’ve been feeling so down about being at home right now. But it’s giving me this amazing downtime and opportunity to plan my next move. Plus, at the very end of the very last episode, Rory and Lorelei are sitting in the exact same seats as they were in the first episode. Rory has gone off to college and had all of these unique and interesting experiences, but still, she could come back home and fit right back in and be comfortable. I’m so lucky that I have a place that I can stay and be comfortable while I look for my springboard. 

thatkindofwoman
Does she scare you a little? Good. She should make you fear her love, so that when she lets you be apart of it, you won’t take it lightly. She should remind you of the power that beauty brings, that storms reside in her veins, and that she still wants you in the middle of it all. Do not take this soul for granted, for she is fierce, and she can take you places that you never thought you could go; but she is still loving in the midst of it all, like the calm rain after a storm, she can bring life. Learn her, and cherish her, respect her, and love her; for she is so much more than a pretty face, she is a soul on fire.
T.B. LaBerge // Things I’m still learning at 25  (via thatkindofwoman)